Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
