I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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