woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
