I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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