ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
