im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Randomize
