Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
