Your dad touched me again.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Mom said you looked used
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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