I feel like abortions should bother me more
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
