i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
