No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
