My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
