You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize