Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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