Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize