dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
