I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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