She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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