If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
