I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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