I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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