dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
