This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
