oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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