Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
