Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
