You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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