I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
