Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize