She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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