She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I will pee on everything he values.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
