And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
