I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
