my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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