my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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