So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
