I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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