You really coming over, don't trick.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
