Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just had sex on a roof
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
