Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
