A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
