lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
