I wish I only lived at night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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