totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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