dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize