Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
