So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We need to rekindle our bromance
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
