I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
