I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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