I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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