i don't like sucking hair
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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