this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
