I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
