There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
