Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
